My Nigerian Penpal
If you're the average email user in the modern world, you get an occasional
solicitation from Nigerian con artists. Generally, I just hit delete (if my
spam filters didn't already catch it, that is). However, it occurred to me,
after reading some of the funnier close encounters (see here and here) with these
geeks, that one of the best things we can do to stop them is simply to reply
and waste their time. [UPDATE: Check out this page; these guys are brilliant!]
Unlike most other spammers, the Nigerian con men provide
you with their real return address. They want you to contact them. How
unfortunate if, while replying, you accidently sign them up for other spam and
mailing lists along the way. When they have to sift through 200 or 300 emails
a day looking for actual responses to their requests, and out of those
responses 99% are fake, they will get frustrated and give up. At least, that's
the theory. Read on.
Here's a bit of Nigerian spam I received recently. I decided to write back
to this geek just for fun, to see just how long I could string him along for.
From: martins Godfery
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002 09:43:44 -0500
Subject: URGENT NEEDE ZENNITH BANK PLC
FROM THE DESK OF DR.MARTINS GODFERY
ZENITH INTERNATIONAL BANK LTD,
LAGOS-NIGERIA.
EMAIL:godfery_desk@latinmail.com
DEAR SIR,
STRICTLY A PRIVATE BUSINESS PROPOSAL
I AM DR.MARTINS GODFERY, THE MANAGER, BILL AND EXCHANGE AT
THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF THE ZENITH
NTERNATIONAL
BANK PLC. I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO ASK FOR YOUR SUPPORT
AND COOPERATION TO CARRY OUT THIS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY IN
MY DEPARTMENT. WE DISCOVERED AN ABANDONED SUM OF 28.5
000,000.00 (TWENTY POINT FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS
ONLY) IN AN ACCOUNT THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR FOREIGN
CUSTOMERS WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY OF A WIFE
AND TWO CHILDREN IN NOVEMBER 1997 IN A PLANE CRASH. SINCE
WE HEARD OF HIS DEATH, WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING HIS NEXT-OF-
KIN TO COME OVER AND PUT CLAIMS FOR HIS MONEY AS THE
HEIR,BECAUSE WE CANNOT RELEASE THE FUND FROM IS ACCOUNT
UNLESS SOMEONE APPLIES FOR CLAIM AS THE (NEXT-OF-KIN) TO
THE DECEASED AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDELINES.
UNFORTUNATELY, NEITHER THEIR FAMILY MEMBER NOR ANY RELATIVE
HAS EVER APPEARED TO CLAIM THE SAID FUND. UPON THIS VERY,I
AND OTHER OFFICIALS IN MY DEPARTMENT HAVE AGREED TO MAKE
BUSINESS WITH YOU AND RELEASE THE TOTAL AMOUNT INTO YOUR
ACCOUNT AS THE HEIR OF THE FUND SINCE NO ONE CAME FOR IT OR
DISCOVERED HE MAINTAINED ACCOUNT WITH OUR BANK, OTHERWISE
THE FUND WILL BE RETURNED TO THE BANKS TREASURY AS
UNCLAIMED FUND.WE HAVE AGREED THAT OUR RATIO OF SHARING
WILL BE ASSTATED THUS;30 % FOR YOU AS FOREIGN PARTNER,60 %
FOR US THE OFFICIALS IN MY DEPARTMENT AND 10% FOR THE
SETTLEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND FOREIGN EXPENCES INCURRED BY US
AND YOU DURING THE COURSE OF THIS BUSINESS. UPON THE
SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSFER, I AND ONE OF MY
COLLEAGUES WILL COME TO YOUR COUNTRY AND MIND OUR SHARE. IT
IS FROM OUR 60 % WE INTEND TO IMPORT AGRICULTURAL
MACHINERIES INTO MY COUNTRY AS A WAY OF RECYCLING THE FUND.
TO COMMENCE THIS TRANSACTION.
WE REQUIRE YOU TO IMMEDIATELY INDICATE YOUR INTEREST BY A
RETURNE-MAIL AND ENCLOSEYOUR PRIVATE CONTACT TELEPHONE
NUMBER,FAX NUMBER FULL NAME AND ADDRESS AND YOUR DESIGNATED
BANK CO-ORDINATES TO ENABLE US FILE LETTER OF CLAIM TO THE
APPROPRIATE DEPARTMENTS FOR NECESSARY APPROVALS BEFORE THE
TRANSFER CAN BE MADE. NOTE ALSO, THIS TRANSACTION MUST BE
KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL BECAUSE OF ITS NATURE.
I LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.
DR.MARTINS GODFERY.
(ZENITH INTERNATIONAL BANK LTD.)
_________________________________________________________
http://www.latinmail.com. Gratuito, latino y en espaol.
Hah! 30% for me. A pretty good deal, no? The strange part is that he's
using a Spanish language email service. Are there a lot of Spanish speakers in
Nigeria? Originally he sent this to my regular email service, but I forwarded
it to a hotmail account and responded there. He didn't even seem to notice
that my email address changed. Here's my response:
I am very interested in your proposal; please send more information.
That should spike his interest a bit. On Dec 28 I received the following response:
From: martins Godfery
To: garglebreath
Subject: THANKS AND COMPLIMENT OF THE SEASON
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 2002 07:16:36 -0500
DEAR SIR,
COMPLIMENT OF THE SEASON TO YOU,I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND AM VERY HAPPY FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN MOVEING THIS FUND INTO YOUR BANK
ACCOUNT.PLEASE SEND YOUR MOBILE LINE AND YOUR FAX NUMBER FOR MORE DEATILS.AND ALSO SEND YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER WERE THIS FUND WILL
BE TRANSFER.
I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE DELAY.
I AM WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT RAPLY ASAP
BEST REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY
DR.MARTINS GODFERY
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.
What is it with Nigerians and upper case? Don't these people know how to
turn off caps lock? I decide to play stupid. Of course, I'm not going to
really send my phone number and bank account number. However I want him to
think I'm serious, to keep this game going. I add a personal touch just to
make it more interesting.
Thanks for your reply Godfery. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you. I
am overjoyed that our prayers have been answered. We have a 2 year old son who
is dying of cancer. This money, sent directly from God it would seem, will help
us to pay for the medical attention that he needs. Here in the United States,
people must pay for medical treatment themselves if they are not lucky enough to
have insurance. I think it is not a coincidence that your name "Godfery" has the
word "God" in it.
Bless you,
Terry
His response came very quickly. I guess he smells a real sucker.
From: martins Godfery
To: garglebreath
Subject: THANKS AND IT IS WELL IN JESUS NAME
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002 07:54:12 -0500
DEAR SIR
I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU.
I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOUR SON WHO IS SICK.BUT DONT WORRY HE WILL BE HILL IN JESUE NAME AS SOON AS THIS MONEY HAS GOTTING INTO YOUR
ACCOUNT.PLEASE SEND YOUR MOBILE LINE AND FAX NUMBER FOR MORE DETAILS AND FOR EASY COMMUNICATION.
PLEASE ALSO SEND YOUR BANK DETAILS WERE THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFER FOR SAFE KEEPING.
I AM VERY HAPPY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO ASSIST ME TO MOVE THIS FUND INTO YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT
PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST TO SEND ALL THIS INFORMATION SO THAT WE CAN CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION.
I AM WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY ASAP
BEST REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY AND HAVE A WONDERFULL NEW YEAR
MAY GOD HELP US.
IT WILL BE WELL WITH YOUR SON IN JESUE NAME AMEN.
DR GODFERY MARTINS.
_________________________________________________________
http://www.latinmail.com. Gratuito, latino y en espaol.
How cynical can you get? This guy obviously has no compassion whatsoever.
I think I'll milk this for all it's worth. In the meantime, I obviously will
not give him personal information; you should never give out
your bank account number or other identifying information to a complete
stranger. Of couse, you should never believe these scam operators' stories
anyway; this is about their taking your money, not your splitting a pot with
them. Believe it or not, some Americans get taken in by these letters and end
up losing their savings.
Dear Mr. Godfery Martins,
I have asked my bank for this information but they do not seem to understand
what I want. Can you explain in more detail? I do not have a mobile or fax
line. My telephone is shared with another family in our house and I am afraid
to discuss these matters on the phone for fear they will find out about the
money. Here in America, not like your fine nation of Nigeria, money is the only
thing people worship, and if my neighbors knew I was about to gain several millions
of dollars they would kill me and take all the money. It is a terrible
situation. How can I help you with your probem without other people finding
out? My son is very happy that soon he will have the cancer lump removed; we
all rejoice in God's bounty and generosity. Bless you!
Terry Garglebreath
That should make'em weep! With pity for my weak intellect, if nothing
else. Here's his response:
From: martins Godfery
To: garglebreath
Subject: THANKS
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 2002 11:44:10 -0500
DEAR MR Terry Garglebreath
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL THAT YOU SENT TO ME.YOU SAID YOU DONT HAVE A MOBILE LINE PLEASE TRY TO GET ONE OF THIS SO THAT WE CAN CONCLUDE
THIS TRANSACTION AND ,ALSO I WILL SEND YOUR ALL THE INFORMATION.
I AM WATING FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY ASAP
BEST REGARDS
DR.GODFERY MARTINS.
_________________________________________________________
http://www.latinmail.com. Gratuito, latino y en espaol.
Notice no mention of God or Jesus now. I guess he figures I'm baited and
all but hooked. Well, he's focused and singleminded. Those are good traits
in a con artist. He's also being sneaky; for some reason, he is avoiding
sending the details of his scam by email. He's a bit inconsistent, however;
notice how he has reversed his name from Dr. Martins Godfery to Dr. Godfery
Martins. Perhaps he noticed I was addressing him as "Godfery". Let's see what
happens when we push him a little bit.
Dear Dr. Martins,
I am sorry I must have misread your previous emails, which I have unfortunately
deleted. Is your name Dr. Godfery Martins or Dr. Martins Godfery? Please
forgive me for my rudeness. I am terrible at remembering people's names.
I asked the phone company for a mobile phone and they told me it requires a
deposit. Would you be willing to advance me some of the money towards a mobile
phone? The phone will cost about $100. Perhaps you can send it to me in a
plain envelope. My family and I eagerly await your reply.
Sincerely yours,
Terry Garglebreath
Jan 1 and still no reply. What happened to "ASAP"? Perhaps he smells a
rat. I prompt him for a response.
Dear Dr. Martins,
I have been waiting for your reply to my letter. Did I perhaps hurt your
feelings? Our son is so excited that his salvation is at hand, praise be to
God and our dear friend in Nigeria. Please tell me what the next step is so we
can complete this business transaction.
Your friend,
T. Garglebreath
His response came pretty quickly:
From: martins Godfery
To: garglebreath
Subject: UPDATE ME
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2003 09:43:42 -0500
DEAR MR T. Garglebreath
I RECIEVED YOUR MAIL THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY.YOU HAVE TO PREPER YOUR BATH CERTIFICATE AND SEND IT TO ME SO THAT I WILL SEND IT TO
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA SO THAT THEY WILL ISSURE THE MONEY THEN THE TRANSACTION WILL NOW BE ON STAGE.PLEASE TRY TO SEND YOUR BANK
ACCOUNT NUMBER FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.
WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY ASAP.
BEST REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY.
DR.GODFERY MARTINS
________________________________________________________
http://www.latinmail.com. Gratuito, latino y en espaol.
I guess he's still in the game. However he's pretty singleminded. I
wonder how many other people he's manipulating at this very minute; it seems as
though he doesn't remember me from email to email. Well, I'll give him something to chew on:
Dear Dr. Godfery,
Thanks for your reply. I don't understand--what is a BATH CERTIFICATE? Does
this have to do with personal hygiene? I can reassure you that my family, at
least, does not need to certify our hygiene, though many in the U.S. do fall
short in the cleanliness category. I do hope this little halitosis issue won't
get in the way. You know there is a major obesity plague hitting the United
States right now, and phew! do those fat people have an odor or what! I make
my children take diet pills every day so that the french fries and hamburgers
won't cause them to gain weight, and boy do they appreciate it! Seems as
though the little buggers are practically addicted to those colorful candy-like
pills, and it's all we can do to keep them from emptying the bottle at one
sitting.
Anyway I do hope you'll come and visit us when we all get paid; we'll take you
for a ride on our new yacht! When I am rich I also want to buy a few goats and
a camel, and of course I'll be able to pay my brother's debts so they'll let
him out of jail.
Awaiting your generous and kind response in this glorious new year,
Terry Garglebreath
Well, it's January 5 and still no reply from the good doctor. I wonder if
he's getting a bit skeptical about our business relationship. I'll send him a reminder.
Dear Dr. Godfery,
I have not heard from you in several days regarding the bank transfer. Kindly
contact me at your soonest convenience that we may consummate this
relationship. Waiting for your urgent reply ASAP.
May the blessings of the Lord be on you and your family,
Terry Garglebreath
Finally, on January 31 he responds:
From: martins Godfery
To: garglebreath
Subject: re: Re: UPDATE ME
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 2003 06:16:05 -0500
Dear Gargle Breath,
I am sorry for delayed reply and I was out of office due the official assigement that choked me up.
There is latest development on the transaction we have been discussing about how it will get to your end, I want you to send to me
your Telephone and fax number, Your bank details, your full name and address where I can send to the necessary documents related to
this transaction.
Please this is very urgent, awaiting your quick response.
Yours sincrely,
Dr. Martins Godfrey
I am wondering if this is the same person. He gets my name a little
garbled, he's discovered how to use the capslock, and darned if he hasn't
switched his first and last names again! Plus, he misspelled Godfery. Hmm.
I'm getting suspicious; do I really want to do business with someone who can't get his own name right?
Dear Dr. Godfrey,
Thank heavens! I was beginning to think you had gotten sick and died, or else
some other catastrophe had struck. The Lord protects the good and virtuous
people of the world, and you are surely one of His flock.
Regarding the information you asked for, here is my phone number: 617-742-5533
I may answer the phone with a false name or organization but don't be fooled.
It is because there are many spies in this city and I am afraid they will
discover our relationship and plot to steal the money! Unlike your fine
country of Angola, Americans have no morality whatsoever and would kill you in
a minute for money.
Please tell me what else you need me to do. I am so excited I can barely think
straight. This morning I put my left shoe on my right foot and vice versa; it
made it very hard to walk to work I can tell you! Not to mention that I had my
shirt on backwards. Many people stared at me. But it is all for the
best. Soon my friend we will both be rich! And soon, my son will be cured of
his cancer as well as his overeating problem.
May the Lord bless you for your kindness,
Terry Garglebreath
Hee, hee! I gave him the same number I sent to the Angolan spammer. That
is, the number for a local FBI office. Let's see if he tries it. The Angolan
guy never wrote back after that so this may be the end of this whole sordid
saga. Oops! I forgot to change "Angola" to "Nigeria", but you know something? I don't think he even reads what I write anyway.
From: martins Godfery
To: garglebreath
Subject: re: re: Re: UPDATE ME
Date: Mon, 3 Feb 2003 05:03:51 -0500
Dear Terry Garglebreath,
With acknowledgement the receipt of your mail message, I will go an confirm the
approved bank that will now transafer the funds because government has already
put an order on any foriegner that deposited huge amount of money to any bank
shall be transferred to Apex Bank of Nigeria. This is constitutional, so we
have to follow the rule and regulation to get the fund transfer.
By tomorrow I will write to you to give you the outcome of my verification of
the bank that are in charge to transfer the fund into your account, I hereby
advise you to send your account details enable me transfer the fund into the
account you're providing immediately.
Please comply back immediately, it is very urgent.
Yours sincerelly,
Dr. Godfrey
So, suddenly it's very urgent, eh? He's smelling blood now. I wonder how
much longer I can string him (or her?) along until he gives up. Actually I
suspect that this is not the original Martins Godfrey (née Godfery), so
he's probably forgotten all the original stuff I said. Gosh, and now I have to
say it all over again. This guy really needs to learn more efficient work
habits....
From: garglebreath
To: martins Godfery
Subject: re: re: Re: UPDATE ME
Date: Mon Feb 3 2003
Dear Martie,
I hope it's OK for me to address you in such a familiar fashion. You know, we
Americans tend to use first names and I feel as though we are old friends
already. I'm just so glad to hear from you again! It's really nice to see
you're using the capslock key now, and I must confess that I'm glad you're
using a consistent name. It's rather unsettling when someone keeps changing
the spelling and ordering of their name. There must be a name for that... sort
of like dyslexia...
I wonder if you would like to pay a visit! We have a small alfalfa farm here
in Minnesota and the crops are just coming in nicely. The goats are grazing
outside the window as I write this and there is a family of monkeys cavorting
in the trees near the swamp. I think you would enjoy staying with us! I have
a sister who is dying to marry an African man and you sound like the kind of
rich, important person she is dreaming of meeting.
Anyhow, with regard to the verification details, I'm very interested in
consummating our business relationship in the swiftest possible manner, because
I have all sorts of plans for using my commission. As you know, I have a very
sick child to get medical treatment for, a brother who is in debtor's prison,
and I've always wanted to own a yacht. I would like to help you in any way
possible so that we can both achieve our goals. Please let me know what the
next step is. I eagerly await your next missive!
Fondly yours,
Terry
A rather predictable reply comes back.
From: martins Godfery
To: garglebreath
Subject: re: re: Re: UPDATE ME
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2003 04:15:08 -0500
Dear Terry,
Did you receive my mail message, get back to me immediately it is very
important that I pass the information to you.
Dr. Godfery
Well, this is getting to be a rather one sided conversation. The good
doctor just doesn't get it. Penpals are supposed to respond to each other, not
simply bother each other with requests for bank account information. Perhaps I
can appeal to the guy's humanity? This ought to tug on the old heart
strings:
Dear Dr. Godfery,
Thanks again for your letter. I am sorry not to have responded sooner.
My son has taken a turn for the worse and the doctor is afraid he will die soon
without chemotherapy. We desperately need more money for this treatment. I
hope you will help us!
Sincerely yours,
Terry Garglebreath
April 10 and still no response. My long suffering Nigerian friend's not getting off that easily. I send him yet another reminder.
To: godfery_desk@latinmail.com
From: garglebreath
Date: Thu Apr 10, 2003
Subject: re: re: Re: UPDATE ME
Dear Dr. Godfery,
How are you? I have not heard from you in a couple of months. I am
worried that something bad has happened to you. Please call and let
me know if you are OK! Your friend,
Terry Garglebreath
Dr. Godfery never wrote back after that. I suspect he moved on to greener pastures, or perhaps he got arrested finally. I will always wonder... did he call that FBI number? Did he notice that I said Angola instead of Nigeria a few letters back? I am sad that my Nigerian penpal has forsaken me. I just hope that he's keeping someone else entertained in their spare time!
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